Hello, Brent & Kate--

When I started writing for Medium, this is exactly what I wished for--discourse. Discourse that happens in such a cool manner that, as we go back and forth, we learn more, think more deeply...we hear a perspective that makes me think, "Oh! I hadn't thought of that!" And both of you have given me exactly that. Thank you.

Brent--I hadn't realized that my wording did come off as a bit dismissive of those who suffer from divorce. After re-reading, I see that it did convey that. I of all people--having been haunted for over a decade by my own divorce--know divorce has deep and lingering wounds. This tells me I do need to watch my words and tone more carefully so I don't accidentally transmit meanings I don't intend. That's all part of me becoming a better writer.

And Kate--you have helped me refine my thinking to recognize that, more precisely, I'm attracted to people who had the sort of hard experiences earlier on in life who were able to not be broken by those experiences. As both of you have pointed out, we can't really say which type of experience--hardships growing up vs hardships in adulthood such as getting divorced--is worse or harder. So I started wondering what it is about the earlier experiences that weirdly seem to be more appealing to me.

No doubt part of it is that I can relate to them. I can relate to people who wondered where their next meal was coming from or when--if--their mothers were going to come home. Yet I can also very much relate to those who suffered due to divorce. So it may not be about whether I can relate. Maybe...it's more about I can see that these people who had rougher childhoods have done ok despite the experiences. Because time has gone by, I can see whether they have or haven't (forgive the colloquial phrase) been broken by it. I'm not attracted to 'broken' men. I'm attracted to men who have suffered hardship but not been broken by it--who were strong enough to cope or who healed and became strong. But sometimes it takes years--decades--after the experience to know if that person did heal or did gain strength from the experience.

With men somewhat recently divorced, I definitely understand they've had a life-altering experience. It's hard to tell whether they are or aren't going to become (forgive the colloquial phrase) 'broken' by it. Or, they may temporarily seem broken by it, but in the following years, we'll see them heal and grow. We see them coping as well as anyone can, trying to learn and grow, rather than be defeated by it or rather than being a bit of an unhealthy wreck in their next relationship. Perhaps the 'recency' is what spooks me a bit. It's not because one type of hardship is or isn't more severe than another. It's just the relative recency. It's hard to see if they eventually heal and become strong despite the cracks.

So...that's my thinking at this point. With more discourse, it's likely that even the perspective I'm outlining here will change as I learn even more ways to look at this topic...but it takes discourse like this for all of us to see what we don't see.

I thank both of you for engaging, for taking the time to contribute to our community so we can all see more angles than we see with our own eyes.

--Lee