Hello, Christian—

Since the semester started, I’ve gotten a bit behind in responding to comments, but it’s lovely to have a Sunday to check in and see what you wrote.

I love that you wrote “To me...”. It is so very lovely to see that, though you personally see monogamy as toxic, you acknowledge that it’s ok for others to not perceive monogamy as toxic. It is wonderful to me when someone presents a point of view without criticizing others or calling them “wrong” or “bad” for not believing the same.

When you mentioned “our parents” and described them as “widely unhappy,” I think it’s great that you can consider that parents in unhappy marriages may have, in part, shaped you and others to have negative views of monogamy. Yet you’re willing to see that people whose parents exemplified wonderful marriages may have developed a positive view of monogamy.

I completely agree with you that many joys can be obtained from friendship and other forms of relationships, so marriage isn’t the only source of many joys. Like you, I rely on my friends and “framily” (friends I’ve chosen as family) for the bedrock of support in my life. Yet I also look forward to possibly having a marriage as yet another form of support in my life—not needed, but certainly bonus.

Like you, I don’t believe that anyone “needs” to be married. I certainly hope people do figure out what forms of relationships suit their individual preferences and needs and stick to that, regardless of social pressures. So if you prefer long-term relationships instead of marriage, go for it, yet you’re also willing to say, “Lee, if you prefer to seek marriage, that’s cool too” without pressuring me to think I’m bad or wrong for wanting something you personally consider to be toxic.

I wrote a follow-up to this piece because some readers mentioned that they thought long-term relationships could offer all the same benefits of marriage. I found there were some benefits that could be obtained (or more easily obtained) from marriage vis a vis long-term relationships. At the end of the piece, I explicitly state my preference that marital status not be a basis for perceptions of people’s values. In case you’re interested in reading that, here’s the link: https://leebidoski.medium.com/9-perks-of-marriage-you-cant-get-from-shacking-up-or-long-term-relationships-7623358c0427

Take care, Christian, and thank you for reading.