Hello, Dan—Well I didn’t mean to plant a ‘mind’worm, but now you’ve done it back to me as I’ve been mulling over what you wrote quite a bit, so let’s call it even

“Time is the most valuable resource we have, and I didn't want to waste more of hers just because, selfishly, it felt good to have someone.” Dan…that was the ultimate kindness. To deprive yourself of what you might want—good company, but in the form of an LTR—because you knew you weren’t willing to give her what she wanted—the whole marriage thing. That’s just…very kind. I’ve seen in some cases the guy makes it very clear “I’ll never get married again”, and the woman agrees to the LTR but hopes he’ll change his mind and be willing to marry. That’s on her, so the guy isn’t to be faulted when 2 years, 5 years, 10 years later she’s upset that he’s still not willing to marry. If she doesn’t have the strength to break up and go seek what she wants, she can’t blame him for not giving her what she wants so long as he made it clear up front he wouldn’t. But I can see how…a good man could feel uncomfortable knowing he’s not willing to provide what she wants even if she’s willing to accept less than what she wants.

“you can always make more coal”—hahahah! I’m a romantic, yet I’m also a big believer in pre-nups—the two aren’t mutually exclusive;)

“their house felt like love” – sigh. If only we knew how to build houses that felt like that. I keep thinking…sometimes it seems like people who know how to build those love-filled marriages…they didn’t have to read books about love languages, etc.

“things which I saw as just a phase, normal stressors which would dissipate with the next wave, she saw as signs the marriage was over” – There it is. To me, that’s what people have to match on—that belief right there. All the matching on love languages etc doesn’t seem to matter nearly as much as a shared understanding that problems will inevitably crop up and a shared ferocity that we will figure how to fix what needs fixing. There’s no giving up.

“she didn’t understand what marriage involved” – Like you said, I recognize that it’s not ‘fair’ for me to judge a person who hasn’t been married/divorced before, but a part of me does think…I’d prefer someone who has already been through the ringer and isn’t ‘surprised’ this time around when the difficulties, naturally, arise. I shouldn’t assume, but there seems to be something to say for a divorced person who experienced that sort of pain, so each has studied the past enough to have formulated strategies to prevent a future divorce. Maybe two people who properly dread another divorce are more apt to enact those strategies.

“we have to feel confident in that partner, that they are committed to the long term, to the thick and thin of it” – We have to feel confident that they are committed to staying together, but I’ve seen the couples who stay together but bicker and nag each other for 40 years—ergh! So something I’ve struggled with post-divorce is that I want to trust a person to be just as committed to making sure we’re actually happy together, not just committed to staying together. So in addition to “I promise to never divorce you,” I wish for the assurance, “I promise to really work on it if either of us becomes unhappy and keep on working on it til we’re both pretty happy.” Maybe I’m greedy:(

“I’m in my mid-40s, probably only got one more shot at this, and need to be careful in my selection” – Exactly. Maybe it really does come down to the selection, with the main selection criteria being about that ‘stick-to-it’ mindset. Bonus if the person has good breath, laughs at our puns, and knows who Mean Gene is:)

I so understand “those who have been hurt enough” so they believe trying at marriage again isn’t worth it. My wish in all this is for us all to consider all perspectives. Some divorced women want to get re-married; some don’t. Some divorced men swear off marriage forever; some say they do, but then end up re-marrying. To me, whatever everyone decides for themselves is quite ok. I just hope people will…be a bit more open rather than assuming that someone else ‘should’ believe what they themselves believe and ‘should’ feel what they themselves feel.

Like you. If all this just reinforces your belief that you need to stick to LTRs, that’s quite fine. If it makes you think, “I’ve got a Round 3 in me”, that’s cool. It does sound like, if you’re going to get a Round 3, you’re going to have to figure out how to get past that ‘subconscious mistrust’ you mentioned, the one that makes you worry that you’ll end up being back in the same situation 10 yrs from now. Keep me posted as I’d love to know how you end up dealing with this very understandable brand of mistrust.