Hello, Kane—

Thank you for reading and engaging with me on this topic!

We could certainly discuss in a conceptual way how social media and hypergamy contribute to some people behaving in certain ways.

However, that’s not the focus of this piece. I definitely want to improve my writing, so forgive me if it isn’t clear, but in the scenario described here, a good man isn’t identifying the specific needs of the woman he’s with.

I think—forgive me if I’m mis-interpreting—you’re saying that social media is to blame for some women wanting something different from what some men are offering. That’s looking at the problem through a sociological lens. I tend to look at problems through a psychological lens.

Here’s the difference:

When broad concepts like ‘social media’ are blamed, that might not be very useful—interesting but not useful—for the guy. Imagine if we told the guy, “Hey man, the reason this is happening is because of social media and hypergamy. So, you’re screwed. There’s nothing you can do. Too bad, that’s how things are today. Shame on these women for falling for that social media crap!”

When we look at the individual, psychological level, when we look at what’s going on in specific situations, we can help him figure out things to do to solve his problem—actions to take, changes to make.

We can look at what’s in his control rather than societal shifts and norms that are out of his control. Indeed, the actions he can take might help him learn how to deal with the societal shifts.

You presented the idea that a reason that some women want their significant other to provide things that differ from what some women in the past wanted significant others to provide is because social media influenced the women to want their sig others to provide these ‘new, different’ things. That certainly could be the case for some people.

Another reason some women want different things now may have to do with this: Perhaps pre-1970s, before women could get credit/mortgages, some women’s needs could be met by a man who provided for her financially. Now that some women can (and do) meet their own financial needs, that may in part account for why some women now want men to meet their emotional needs instead of financial needs.

Maybe there’s another reason some women now want different things from what some women in the past may have wanted a guy to provide: In a more transitional society (e.g., moving to different cities for career), people don’t have close communities/families/tribes to meet their emotional needs so now they rely more on their romantic partners to meet those needs.

Notice—it’s not saying whether it’s wrong or right. It’s just about looking at possible reasons for why some women want what’s described in this piece.

Indeed, I can think of many examples from history in which societal norms shifted and many people were unhappy about it and believed those shifts weren’t good. Regardless of whether they liked it or not, and regardless of whether they agreed with it or not, they had to choose whether to keep complaining about it and fighting against that shift, or whether to figure out how to adapt so they could still accomplish their goals in a new/different social context.

Either way, the bottom line I often look at, personally, and in my writing, is this: How can we help you achieve your relationship goals?

In this case, we’re not asking a guy, “What societal shifts have caused your woman to not be happy with what you’re offering?” Instead, we’re prompting the guy to answer this question, “What does the person you love want and need, regardless of what shifts in society contributed to them wanting or needing that?

What I hoped to convey in this piece was a situation in which a guy truly doesn’t want to lose his relationships and wants to learn more about what’s going on so he can learn of some actions he could take that may help him get what he wants. Telling him “Society is at fault” or “Women suck for wanting you to meet some of their emotional needs”, to me, isn’t the most helpful guidance for guys in this situation. Interesting, yes, but not terribly useful in helping him achieve his ‘goal’, per se, of having a long-lasting, healthy, happy relationship.

So instead of debating what’s happening in society, we can give guys the information in this article, and ask, “Does that resonate with you? Do you think that’s possibly what’s going on in your situation and your relationships? When you think back, do you realize that maybe you were like these guys, putting out a lot of effort, but not really figuring out if what you gave each specific woman truly suited that specific woman’s wants and needs?”

Imagine a reader recognizes, “Yes! I have been doing that. That does sound like me,” or “Mystery solved! I’m so glad to identify a possible reason for what’s been underlying my inability to make relationships last despite my effort”. Then that reader actually has actions he can take. Those suggested actions are in “The Fix” section of the article.

A guy, upon learning that he might not be getting the relationships he wants to last because he isn’t meeting the specific needs of the woman he’s with, can certainly opt to say, “I’m not going to be with someone who wants me to meet some of her emotional needs. I only want to be with someone who only requires me to meet her financial needs.” He can opt to say, “I only want to be with the woman who will be happy with the things that I’m offering. I’m not willing to learn what this particular woman that I love wants and learn how to provide that.” That’s certainly an option. But the situation described in this piece wasn’t that situation.

Either way, research and practice support the notions that meeting the specific needs of a person is more likely to yield a long-lasting, happy, healthy relationship. This can possibly be achieved when we attempt to learn a few of the top, most important needs of our person and learn how to meet those needs. Or this can be achieved by attempting to find a person who happens to only need exactly what we’re willing to give. It’s a choice.

One last thought: You indicated that women might leave men because they’re being told the grass is greener. That’s definitely different from the situations in this article, in which women are leaving because their needs aren’t being met. That may look like ‘grass is greener’ but it’s a nuanced difference. I so hope readers could see and understand that leaving because of unmet needs isn’t the same as leaving because the grass somewhere else is perceived to be greener.

Here’s the cool thing: Instead of a guy shrugging and saying, “There’s nothing I can do if she doesn’t like how green my grass is,” he gets to think about, “What can I do so that she’s still happy with the grass here?”

(And hopefully this is a given, but perhaps it’s good for me to be explicit: She’s hopefully doing the same for him—learning what he most wants and needs and learning what she can do to make sure he’s happy with the grass here, too, so he doesn’t go elsewhere to get his needs met.)

So…I think it’s interesting to consider the shifts in societal values and norms…but that’s not the emphasis of this article. I hope we can all individually consider all the possible reasons that may be preventing us from getting what is important to us, and try to identify things that are in our control that we can change, if we choose to do so.

--Lee