Hello, Mike--I've read and re-reread what you wrote, as sometimes it feels like I can learn more from readers' perspectives and experiences than any other source. One phrase you wrote has particularly caught my attention: "try to reveal my nature". What a great perspective! I do sometimes feel in dating I'm trying to learn what a fella's nature is--very crucial to determining whether to keep investing my effort in a person. But to do so, I need repeated exposures. I need time spent together. I need to see them in different contexts. And that's where this notion of effort comes in--if he's not making the consistent effort to make time for the relationship or communicate consistently, I can't learn what his nature is, or I start inferring his nature is to not really put effort into relationships. That's where this notion of 'effort' is likely different for all of us. For me, it's not the effort of planning spectacular dates, or neglecting our other priorities in life for the person we're dating. I'll admit I don't even make the effort to cook a lot or give gifts or make any tangible sort of effort. As a single person, I keep my life jam-packed; after all, I'd be alone and lonely if I didn't. So when a guy comes along, I have to make the effort to spend some time with him instead of following my regular itinerary. To see him, I may have to give up one of my group bike rides each week, or fit a run around dinner with him instead of running at the evening time I might have preferred. So the effort I give and want is the effort it takes to slowly but surely integrate someone into our lives, making the effort to make time for time together, including the effort to stay engaged when the conversations aren't about lighthearted stuff. For example, I once dated a guy for four months. We just saw each other once or twice a week at restaurants and pubs, with sporadic texting in between. It was fun, and I think he believed he was putting effort in. But I figured out that I needed us to have some of those 'dreaded' conversations, the kind we might need so that we could learn each other's natures. The kind where you ask what you want in a relationship, how you see your future, do you always want to live by yourself or maybe one day live with your person, how do you see introducing a woman you're dating to your kids (who are in their 20s), and my need for us to be a bit more consistent so I wasn't getting a call on a Tuesday to hang out Tuesday night and then have to change what I planned to make room for his preference for spontaneity. I probably shouldn't have waited 4 months to go by to start digging into this stuff that mattered to me. Regardless, it didn't go well. Actually, it caused that relationship to pop like a tire on a shard of glass. The next day, he was gone. He said it was just too heavy and intense. For him, it would take a lot of 'effort' to engage in a conversation that would reveal his nature. It would take him a lot of effort to not run when our conversation bumped against topics that were--for him--emotionally challenging. And yet that's the kind of effort I felt I needed. I guess...when you read this piece and think of effort as some massive thing that's unsustainable, it may be that my version of 'effort' is just what, to me, seems to be the basic necessity of a healthy relationship, yet to that guy, the conversation revealed my nature to be 'heavy' and 'intense'. Maybe that guy just needs to be with someone who is completely ok with his style of relationship--with his nature. Fair enough. So...thank you for prompting further thought on this...I too hope your current relationship is your last one! --Lee