Hello, Trhodes—

It sounds like you had a bad experience, and that’s made you very sure you never want to take the risk again of ending up with another bad experience. It sounds like you don’t date in order to prevent ever having such a bad experience again, but maybe I’m misinterpreting. I definitely think that happiness can come in so many forms. Absolutely you don’t need to date or get married or have any sort of romantic relationship to be happy, so I’m glad you’ve recognized that.

Me, personally, I’ve gone over a decade without being married and have been quite content, so I can understand not feeling the need to date or marry.

I think where we may differ, though, is that you seem to perceive dating or marriage to not be a source of happiness because it wasn’t for you. Yet I see that others do derive happiness from dating and marriage, so I don’t rule out the possibility that, for some, happiness can be derived from dating and marriage in addition to other sources.

Also, it seems like, to you, dating or marriage involve “cater[ing] to a guy to cultivate his attention”. I haven’t found that to be the case neither in my former marriage nor in dating. I have found that two people who are dating/married both pay attention to each other. To me dating and marriage has not been just a matter of the woman trying to get a guy to pay attention to her.

I think I need to clarify what I wrote about trying to remember a guy’s broccoli preferences. To be clear: I have found that guys do their fair share of cooking, and they’re also paying attention to learn my preferences. If anything, I’ve been amazed over and over at how men notice details and how considerate they can be. One guy prepared dinner and had my favorite wine on hand—he’d noticed what wine I tend to drink, learned my preference, and acted upon it whereas I didn’t even know his wine (or broccoli!) preference.

You wrote that “the last thing either of you wants is to deal with each other's crap and your own at the same time”. I’m a believer that relationships can be a source of mutual emotional support. Sure, I can handle my own crap, and sure he can handle his. I hope my own crap is never so much that I have nothing leftover to provide emotional support to the friends and people I love, and I, too, can rely on them to provide emotional support when my crap gets a bit heavy. But I can understand that some people have so much crap that they don’t feel capable of being there for someone else and only choose to give time and attention to their own crap.

Trhodes, I so believe it’s ok for you to feel and believe different from me and others who share these reasons for being willing to consider re-marrying. And I take many of your comments as your hard-earned wisdom that I need to listen to, as your experiences may help me learn. But I did want to point out one thing that I felt a need to express disagreement with. You wrote that someone who feels complimented by having a person ask for their hand in marriage “needs to get counseling”. I think there’s a great deal of caution in saying that people need counseling. If someone doesn’t share your beliefs, or what they feel is foreign to you, that doesn’t mean they need counseling. I’m sure you just meant that you disagree, but, since I’m in the psychology field, forgive me for being a bit sensitive when people who disagree with someone treats them as though they have a need for counseling. “If I don’t agree with how you feel, then you must need counseling!” is kind of a way to stigmatize people for not being the way you are. I wouldn’t want someone to feel they’re god awful or wrong for not seeing things the way you do. I’d hope people understand: It’s ok to have different feelings and beliefs. People aren’t bad, wrong, nor need counseling, just because their feelings and beliefs don’t match yours; nor are you bad, wrong, nor need counseling because you don’t agree with the 9 reasons I wrote here. Perhaps I feel great when a friend gives me some food; perhaps you don’t feel great when a friend makes you some food, because now you feel obligated to return the favor for food you don’t like or need. Neither you nor I am wrong or bad or in need of counseling; we simply feel different.

You said that I “need to build real relationships with other people who can truly support you when things are tough. Choose your family don't make it about one guy to save you.” Perhaps I didn’t make it clear—that’s a disadvantage in keeping these pieces short and sweet rather than writing tomes! So to clarify: I already have those relationships. I have an incredible network of friends and what I call “framily”—my friend family. I don’t need a guy to save me; I so hate that my writing made you think I did. So where you and I differ, I think, is that I have experienced the type of support that can be provided in a marriage. I found that, though my friends and family are wonderful and supportive, the support provided in my marriage was different in some ways from the support friends and families provide. I absolutely don’t “need” support in the form of a marriage, but I am aware that the support from marriage was different and something I very much enjoyed, like ‘bonus.’ If you haven’t experienced that, you may not be aware of the difference, though your friends and family are quite wonderful. Expressing enjoyment of the mutual support that comes in a marriage is not the same as ‘needing a guy to save me’. Flowers are not necessary, but they sure are nice

You wrote “Anyone who needs someone else to complete them will never be complete because that love of life comes from within.” We can definitely agree that ‘love from within’ is very important. Yet we can’t ignore that humans also generally do need others to be healthy. That’s why psychologists spend a lot of time urging people to find sources of social support. We can also look at things from the perspective of self-actualization, where the need for love of and a feeling of belongingness with others is actually a human need. While you may opt to obtain much of this sense of love and belonging from friends and family, those needs can also, additionally, be obtained from relationships and marriages. Let’s not rule out those sources if others, unlike you, choose to pursue those sources. Without this need for loving and belonging being met, people do feel incomplete and that can actually be unhealthy. I’m personally in favor of people, myself included, getting their needs for love and belongingness met from a variety of sources—friends, families, and relationships—so they can be ‘complete’ in the sense of self-actualization, which I consider healthy.

Finally, you wrote “People who marry over and over are looking for something they are missing in themselves.” It does seem that some people who marry over and over might be looking for something they are missing. Then again, there may be other, additional reasons to explain why some people marry over and over. Me, I’ve only been married once. I’ll certainly make sure that, if I ever get married again, it’s not because something is missing in myself.