Hello, yogibimbi—

You’re quite right that there is not a ‘need’ to tell people up front in general terms. Just as you said, I also don’t see a need to give people an exhaustive list of what we’re looking for. But in the context where someone says something specific to the person they're dating, the person may 'need' to reveal their true thoughts on the specific subject rather than hide them to prevent being ditched if they want to reduce the likelihood of appearing deceitful, reduce the likelihood of hurting the other person, and increase the likelihood of the future relationship having a healthy basis.

In the specific context where someone says “Something really important to me is that the person I date like riding motorcycles”, and, hearing that, I opt to not disclose that I’m not into that so they’ll keep dating me, well, that just seems a bit shady to me. But you’re quite right about the semantics—I don’t ‘need’ to tell them. They don’t ‘need’ me to tell them. It just feels like a good thing to do. And you do 'need' to do it if you want a better chance at growing a healthy relationship.

That’s what these lies of omission are about, in my mind. Trying to do right by people. It’s quite ok if your version of right is different from my version of right. If you don’t think you ‘need’ to tell someone “I hear that a major goal in dating for you is having someone who’s willing to accompany you on long motorcycle rides. Just FYI, I’m not going to enjoy riding on your motorcycle. I just don’t want to mislead you about that”, then absolutely don’t do that if you think it’s ok to conceal that specific info.

My concern here is when we fail to release pertinent info—especially info that we sense would affect their decision to date us—it can end up down the road hurting our relationships. Imagine you wait a few months and then say ‘oh by the way’. Of course the person you’re dating is going to notice that you didn’t choose to release that info to them at the time they told you that was important. These sorts of omissions, unfortunately, can undermine relationships. “What else have you not told me because you were trying to prevent me from ditching you?”

I so agree that “no one is responsible for somebody’s else’s expectations”, but I think of it slightly different. Here’s what I expect: I expect ME to be forthcoming to the people I date. I expect ME to give them pieces of information that are relevant to something very important to them about something specific they’ve said. I expect ME to not conceal some information that might make them unwilling to date me on something they’ve voiced specific concern or desire for. I expect ME to not be silent about something specific they’ve said, seeming to give tacit agreement, when I know that’s actually just hiding the info, hoping they don’t learn ‘just yet’. I DON’T expect me to tell them every little thing that’s rotten about me up front. Of course not. But if they ask or bring up that specific topic, I do expect me to voice my true thoughts when they voice theirs instead of purposely hiding my true thoughts.

To be clear: What I wrote is not in any way to be misinterpreted that you have to tell the person you’re dating up front that you take a dump at 6am every morning. Perhaps I need to improve my writing to ensure such interpretations so very far off my intended meaning aren’t made. Now, if the person I’m dating says, “It’s important to me to not date someone who takes a dump every morning and leaves the door open while they take a dump”, then I do expect me to say, at that time (not waiting a few months), “Hey. I gotta be forthcoming here. I do that. But if I know it bothers you, is there some middle ground we can meet? Like…maybe I close the door? Maybe...if we continue dating and eventually live together, we’ll be sure to have 2 bathrooms, and I’ll use the one that’s very far away from the bedroom?” Alternatively, I absolutely could withhold that information. I could opt to just never ever do that again with them around. What I won’t do, though, is just not tell them I do it, then spring it on them later and do it and say “Well, I know you don’t want this, but this is the way I am so too bad you’re stuck with someone who has the very characteristic you explicitly said you were against.” That’s absolutely an option, but…I don’t know. Seems a little shady, a little sleazy, to me, though it’s ok if you disagree.

I don’t expect people to not be sleazy. I expect me to have the guts to leave when someone purposely misrepresents themselves to me if what they’ve done bothers me that much. And I expect me to not whine about if I find out that they made a lie of omission and I stayed with them anyway after I found out. It’s ok if you’d rather be willing to stay with someone who has done lies of omission with you. And if you choose to do lies of omission with people in your life, that’s certainly your choice as a human to make.

Also, the general wearing of Wonderbras and make-up is not addressed by what I’ve written here. They don’t meet the definition of lies of omission, any more than a person who is not a cowboy but wears cowboys is lying by failing to mention “I’m not a cowboy” to anyone who sees him wearing cowboy boots. Here’s what a lie of omission in the context I’ve written looks like with Wonderbras: If a man says to a woman he starts to date, “I really don’t want to date a woman who has AA cups but wears a Wonderbra to make it looks like she’s bigger. I’m a boob guy, and I only want to date women with no less than C cups.” Well…if the woman who is dating him hears this and is an AA cup but wears Wonderbras so it looks like she’s larger, she can opt to stop dating him. She doesn’t ‘need’ to tell him “I have AA cups”. But if she continues to go on dates with him and hides the fact she does not meet the characteristic that he specified is important to him, hoping he’ll change his mind, hoping he won’t mind when he discovers she’s an AA, that’s certainly a risk she can take. Even if, upon discovering she’s an AA, he continues to date her, she has certainly planted a little doubt in her relationship. “What else was she not willing to tell me?” If he doesn’t continue dating her upon learning this, that’s his choice and a possible consequence of her lie of omission. Perhaps it will work out fine. Perhaps not.

But for me, the rightness of our actions isn’t based on outcomes. Without knowing whether a guy will or won’t continue to date me if he knows, I expect me to release the info that is specific to something he’s voiced as important to him. I’d hope that someone would do that for me though I know better than to expect some people, like you perhaps, to do that for me.

Finally, you wrote “Playing on those expectations is all part of the game”. Well, that’s why what I’ve written may need to be considered. For some of us, dating isn’t a game, and lies of omission can harm people, even if they’re wise enough to expect that people will commit lies of omission. I would so wish—though I certainly don’t expect--people who treat dating as a game to upfront let people they date know "dating is just a game to me" so we can decide if we want to date someone with that mindset.

I’m so glad that I can play a game of Scrabble without fearing that my heart will get bruised.

Be well, yogibimi. Thank you for engaging with me on this topic.

--Lee