So many sad stories out there! I too have thought that sometimes people don't do the 'hard work' and I so wish they would.
It makes me wonder: Why don't they don't do the hard work? I've found that it isn't always as simple as 'they were lazy' or 'weren't willing and wanted an easy way out'.
It's like athletes I've worked with. They think they're working hard--say, running 100 miles a week--and can't figure out why they're not being successful. They don't realize there's a whole different level and type of hard work they haven't even touched. There's the hard work of eating healthy, stretching, lifting, making themselves go to bed to get the rest they need instead of playing video games. But they don't see that--they're already miserably tired just from running 100 miles a week.
In struggling relationships, some people I've talked to really...have no idea what to do even when they are willing. I envy people who saw parents doing the 'hard work'; that taught them what 'hard work' looks like in relationships. Some people say, "Well you should have gone to therapy before you gave up," but I feel so bad for the couples that couldn't possibly afford therapy. I wish...formal education educated people a ton on what to do when they bump into problems in their relationships:)
Sometimes, people in struggling relationships are in so much pain, and feeling so confused, that they're not even thinking clearly so can't even think clearly to do the hard work needed or can't even imagine 'waiting until things to worked themselves out'. It's like, when your whole fight-or-flight system is activated, their perceptions are...sort of distorted or warped when they feel that way. They just need immediate relief from the pain so can't even reasonably think "Let me wait this out." Us, looking in, with clear minds, can clearly see what they could have, should have done, but when your judgement is that clouded by pain...it's a hard thing.
I guess thinking that through helps me feel a bit more sympathetic, even when it seems like people pulled the plug prematurely.
